Dear readers, I’ve been itching to tell you guys about this. My office recently put out a vacancy notice for a driver. We needed a staff bus driver and a few days ago someone called the HR in regards to that. Normally we all know that there’s always a test for such jobs; He was asked to wait till close of work, so he’d drive us, obviously he was going to be paid for it. After work that day, we all walked to the car park and saw a very short man under the bus. When I say, ‘short’, trust me not to over-exaggerate this. If I am being kind, I’d say the man is 4.5ft. And that’s me being kind.
We acted oblivious about it, although we knew in our hearts of hearts that he was the driver, but we just wanted to feed our other side of the brain. “Make una no vex, I want comot this spring under this bus,” he said. I wanted to laugh so badly but then I have manners you know. I held in my laugh and one of my colleagues said “Oga wetin you mean by you want comot spring? Facility manager sabi say u dey under there?” he slightly pulled out his face and gently asks “who be that? I no sabi o. na oga yusuf say make I comot the spring” he responded. “Oga Yusuf” is the facility Manager and at that point it was obvious he was the newly employed driver abi driver on test, how dem dey even talk am sef?
Mr. Yusuf brought a pillow so he could put it on the drivers’ seat. At this point, I knew we were on a trip to disaster. I quietly went to the middle seat beside the window, make I fit jump out if anything ‘Sambasa’. That’s how we hopped into the bus with tingles of fear. Who no go fear? The man driving is an inch away from dwarfism (no offence to his wife/wives and kids) and he’s about to take the wheels of an 18-seater bus. “God Abegeth Thee, I can’t die without using my international passport”, I thought. We didn’t even leave the car park when uncle drove us into the gutter. That’s how we all laughed and went back to the office. Like I said, Na window I use comot outside, and I am not even joking.
The facility manager called him to say “that would be all”. He begged and begged and promised to do better, but it was more than he could handle. He was a really short man and that was a red flag. I’d rather pay 1k to reach my destination safely than jump on a free bus with a short man on the wheels. Why man sef go short? Are you gay? * giggles in spongebob *
The struggle of finding a job in Nigeria is wild; the series of email rejection is enough to make you throw yourself into Lagos Mainland Bridge and the fact that in the midst of all this, hunger wan wound you. fold arms in suffering and smiling.
I once did an interview where I was told I don’t look like I can give them what they want, although I have a good CV. I didn’t know when I told the Interviewer “Next time I’ll have a placard on” Na whine you dey whine me. I don mark that woman face, she gotta give me my data back.
I wasn’t in the space to convince anybody and I was too tired to think of convincing her. Are you running a ritual company? What do you mean “I don’t look like I can give you what you want?”
Finding a job in Nigeria is like participating in Nigerian Idol, except you are not singing, you are sending CVs and getting ghosted by HR. This struggle is not for the faint hearted, it requires God, I can’t say patience because, and at some point you’ll lose that as well.
The CV and Cover Letter Marathon. Small cleaner job wey you go see “Send your Cv and cover letter” OGA abeg, I just wan sweep your office na. Don’t get me started on “Can you work under pressure?” oh please, I can’t Abeg, waking up every day in Nigeria is already a lot of pressure.
Another one is the popular 2-6 years’ experience Saga. Ibu chineke sings in Chioma Jesus.
“Minimum of 5 years?” When did I finish school please? But wait, it’s an entry-level position! Uncle HR, BIKONU, Let’s be real. How can a fresh graduate have 5 years of experience? Dash me small experience na, seems madness is upon us. And let’s not forget the intern façade “Intern needed, must have 3-4 years’ experience” ah! An Intern? Wickedness is that you? Are you a thief dear HR? You want to steal me?
The “interview wahala”. You’d think you have escaped ‘calm down, calm down, you have escaped’ yells in tik tok Sound
if it’s a virtual interview, prepare your mind as a jobless person to look for data, because e choke. If it’s a walk-in interview, you go dey pray make dem no cut your neck or kidnap you. The location of the interview might be in an obscure street where Google map refuses to function or maybe na torch-light phone you dey use. Your own worse o.
You’d spend your last money as transport fare there and find 200 hundred others for the same position at the interview. As if that’s not enough, they will ask you “where do you see yourself in five years” Oga, just pay me salary first make I use guide.
“Why should we hire you?” my goodness, you put out a vacancy na. “Tell us about yourself” I fed my boyfriend for 4 years and he left me for another girl. After all the questions “we’ll get back to you” oga koshilo jor. Get out osiso. We both know you aren’t getting back to me. why you dey lie?
In Nigeria, job hunting isn’t just about what you know but who you know. You could have a PHD in quantum physics, if your uncle is not the MD of Nonso and baby girls’ company, na house you fit stay dey watch YouTube tutorials on how to make money online. Meanwhile, Ngozi (NG baby) has bought a new Lambo. Good girl no dey pay o, hope you know that* in bob risky’s voice*.
Salary expectations wan wound you. You’ll be expecting 150-200k and they hit you with salary reality kpakam! The Hr. manager will announce proudly to you, “we can offer you 30 thousand naira” see as she go talk am, as if that’s such a heavy price. I am supposed to buy pure water and vibes with that. Some of you eh, na only God go help me judge una. You are paying someone 30 thousand naira in this economy? *picks up phone to rant*
My dear readers, Job hunting in Nigeria is a survival sport. Keep running with it. It’s not a guarantee you’d get a job sha, but keep pushing. One day you fit make am, or not. wetin concern me? * laughs in Christianity *.
