This shouldn’t come as a shock to most of you at all. Some of you are fake life ambassadors, and I am here to tell you well-done. We are all familiar with the “Fake It Till You Make It Anthem” some of you have gone beyond Faking to Outright Fabrication and Borderline Falsificaton.
Lagos is the capital of “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT”. Sometimes I wonder if I am just poor or maybe every other person is plucking money somewhere and I have zero idea about it. The only time I feel like some people are still poor in Lagos is when I enter danfo. My friend and I boarded danfo from Jakande to CMS on Saturday. We went to shop for a few things at Balogun market. That was my first time though, along the way, the driver stopped at Ikate bus-stop to pick just one person that was going to CMS too. And one fair sweet sister rushed In, emphasis on “Rushed in” because why fine girl go run enter bus? She probably dropped her steeze at home. When we got to CMS, just before the bus-stop, the sweet sister that entered from Ikate told the Conductor in English and not pidgin “Please I’ll alight here” the conductor angrily turned to side-eye her, saying “Alight where”. I couldn’t help but laugh, that was funny even for me that’s new in Lagos. The conductor was really pissed, he shouted “MAKE ALL OF UNA ALIGHT HERE, WE NO DEY GO AGAIN”.
Everyone got angry at him, because why are we all alighting where we aren’t supposed to alight? One guy that sat beside the sweet sister took it personal, he held the English girl and told her to explain to him what she meant by “ALIGHT” when she could’ve easily said “DRIVER OWA O”. ah! Una dey really mad for this Lagos o, I thought. Aunty got angry at the guy that held her and started speaking pidgin. “so, pidgin dey your tongue like this? Because you yellow abi? E be like say you dey craze” said the conductor. My friend and I laughed and left the drama scene, it looked like something that was going to drag on for a while. I mean common, u go dey whine conductor. Why? We all know how Lagos is, if you want to speak English, book a ride and not Danfo. Naso I stop for where I no suppose stop because of English.
Reminds me of one time a lady stopped the danfo I was in to tell the driver in English “I am going to Ajah” the driver angrily responded “wetin dey happen for there?” e really reach to ask am. Una go package sotey you miss your helper. When I go to church, everyone always looks rich and I am a fan of “you don’t have to look like what you go through” but then, let’s not lie, acting rich and settled is fun. People look down on people a lot and one way to avoid that is acting and looking rich. But knowing the limit and understanding that some kind place no need your steeze and composure. I am not even pretending, I no get. If you see where dem dey share money, biko call me. Na small remain make I no stand for traffic *smiles in hidden riches*
After covid-19, there was an introduction of a new pandemic that came to town especially Lagos. This particular pandemic no be germs cause am, guess what spreads this particular pandemic? DATA and WIFI SIGNALS. Na me talk am. Funny thing about this pandemic is that, it’s not only in Lagos o, but mostly in Lagos.
A pandemic where celebrities, Influencers and social media users are jumping like flies into rented Lamborghinis for photoshoots make dem for pepper for us. Or the ones that explain to us why their Lambo doesn’t have the L in it. Did we ask you? Wetin concern people wey dey think of where dem want see garri drink and your Lambo not having ‘L’. Look at me as a doctor, and by doctor, I mean “Internet User”. I have identified several key symptoms of this alarming and fast rising pandemic
Chronic Filter Dependency: Am I in this group, yes, I am. I go dey take picture without filter? You dey whine ogun? I have a proud nose, so please forgive me if I use filter to do Aloma with my nose. * shys in Turkey face lift*
Severe Flexing Disorder (SFD): This one is common with Lekki people. The constant need to show poor people that you aren’t poor is a disorder. What’s my business dearie? You are driving a Luxurious car, okay! Good for you.
Constant Vacation Syndrome: These particular patients na Lagos girls, they are always in Dubai, Maldives or Bali. Sometimes they dash into Turkey for a quick BBL. Una go suffer for gram.
Mysterious Entrepreneur Titles: Ask someone what they do for a living and they respond, “Content creator, CEO, Investor, Brand Strategist and another big one crypto expert” oh Chim! Show me the way.
Don’t get me started on the content creators with a “A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A 23-YEAR-OLD CEO” the way I used to swipe away from some of those vlogs eh, you’d think they stole my money, or maybe I have a personal beef with them. I just want to look at funny videos and laugh without the pressure of seeing someone buying their first house at 19. Please get out of my FYP.
That’s how one guy that was suited up with an iphone 16 pro max inside danfo asked if I could pay for him, from Jakande to Lekki and all I had was just my Fare with me. I planned on withdrawing money later in the day. I just turned to look at him with his suit and dreads with expensive phone and said “ no vex, I am with just my Fare” oga had the mind to say “fine girl like you” I thought he was joking, but uncle was serious, I just angrily blurted out “Oga stop am, no vex me for this bus”. And that was that, he went on to ask another passenger that completely ignored him. I was even kind.
The fake life pandemic is weeping our streets at an alarming rate and truthfully there’s no cure for it. With a little bit of self-awareness, we can flatten the curve. Until then, if you see me posting on the gram and standing next to a lambo, bikonu, mind the business that pays you.
